I cry at some point of almost every wedding anniversary. I am a closet spoiled brat. I like the feeling of celebration, of feeling special on special occasions. I can be ridiculous with my internal thoughts while being poker face cool externally. Meanwhile my other half is practical, kind, and loving. He’s a good guy. We have opposite approaches to life and opposite personalities by most measures…Myers-Briggs, DISC, Zodiac Signs, Chinese Calendar, and so forth. On paper we should not be together. Fortunately we have overlap on the Gary Chapman Five Love Languages test results. And Jesus. Jesus is our key common denominator.
This year we hit the big 2-5. 25 years married. Wowza.
He warned me when we dated. We were 20 and 23 years old at the time. He said something like, “Things go wrong for me. I am a walking Murphy’s Law type person.” We proceeded to argue. I said he had the wrong attitude. He said attitude is a result of things that happen to a person. I pollyanna’d that attitude is what you bring to any day or situation.
I maintain that sunshine viewpoint today, but he’s right about how little things tend to go wrong in his world. Ride in a car with him to a new location and you’ll see what he means by the number of missed turns. The good news is he has adapted what I call Overcoming Murphy’s Law Strategies. For example, before going on vacation he spends quality time with Google Maps to the point that when we arrive at our destination it seems like he knows exactly where he is going–because he does.
Here are 25 things I’ve learned over 25 years of marriage:
- It’s true. Opposites attract. Take time to respect the differences rather than to fight about them.
- Less expectations can lead to sweet surprises. Example, Hubby made sure I had my all time favorite donut on vacation: Key Lime from Dandee Donuts. Yum.
- Praying for your mate is a better plan than nagging your mate. God has a way of opening up his or her heart so you can communicate.
- Children can strain relationships because they create a new kind of tired…an 18 year plus kind of tired. Recognize the tired and take time outs as needed.
- Ask for what you need.
- Before you ask for what you need, ask if this is a good time to talk, aka a time where you can hear one another.
- Listen to understand.
- Our premarital counselor said to always fight naked. I’ll leave that right there.
- Speaking of counseling, get some.
- Grow together. Share how you are growing, maturing, learning.
- Grow solo too. Counseling is good for you. Take notes. Untangle the knotted parts of your brain.
- Agree to be on the same page.
- Agree to discuss what the same page looks like.
- When you’re on different pages, acknowledge and discuss the pages.
- Have family meetings. I love that Hubby has initiated family meetings with our kids several times over the years.
- Make each other breakfast from time to time.
- Acknowledge seasons that are hard for your spouse and give grace upfront.
- Enjoy special songs together. I could make a song scrapbook of meaningful songs from the different stages of our life.
- People say hurtful things. Don’t be that kind of people.
- If you do say something hurtful, then say I am sorry. Be sincere with your apology and do better.
- Hug, hold hands.
- Do activities the other person likes to do. I’m not good at this. Eh, it is good to know about improvement opportunities.
- Love your spouse’s family. They are your family too.
- Stay centered. For us that means Jesus is at the center of our home.
“For better or worse” is in generic wedding vows for a reason. I could not have predicted at 21 years old when we married that I would feel like we won when we figured out how to take a long weekend trip with a wheelchair for the first time.
On the way home I said, “I didn’t buy you a card.” He said, “I didn’t get you one either.” And that’s a-ok. I didn’t cry on our anniversary this year.
We both cried leading up to the day because a painful reality hit when his mom passed away the week prior to our get away. Also, a close family friend passed away suddenly the week before as well. It’s been a sad time and a quiet time. A wise friend said, “If you are feeling numb, then stay numb and watch God work.” I have taken that advice to heart. Thank you to the family and friends who helped with our kids and home responsibilities while we were away.
*Pic of me sitting on the rock and looking back is from our 1993 honeymoon.