Category: Friendship

WHAT’S MY MOTIVE?

Published on by Glenna S. EdwardsLeave a comment

What’s my motive? is my new favorite question.

We humans do thousands of actions and spew millions of words each day, but how often do we keep in check our reasons why we do or say “stuff”?

Why do we feel the need to share a story or state what we ate for breakfast today? Do we know why we go to a weekly meeting?

Why do we choose to be nice to the boss or kind to a co-worker, but maybe not kind to someone else?

So lately–as often as I can think of it–I’ve begun to ask myself “what is my motive?” before speaking or before taking certain actions. If my motive is selfish or self-serving, then I try to refrain by holding my tongue.

Recently I attended an event with my son. I looked forward to seeing some friends that I hadn’t seen in a while. There was a bunch of things I thought about sharing with them, but when I asked myself what is my motive?, there was no good reason to go into what was on my mind. I chose to chill and listen.

I learned that both of my parenting peers have been going through some tough stuff; a death in the family, an illness with grandparents, etc. They needed to talk and it felt good to relax and simply be there for them.

Sure, there are times to chat it up and there are times to be the listener, but to discern the right timing is key. Start with knowing what your motive is.

I believe that checking your motive takes practice. I’m sure I’ll be practicing for the rest of my life. Here’s a link to verses about holding your tongue. Good stuff! http://www.openbible.info/topics/taming_your_tongue

Glenna

THE GARBAGE IS FULL

Published on by Glenna S. Edwards6 Comments

Pet peeve alert. And a disclaimer alert. –As in, what I’m about to tell you is something I witness that bothers me, but I also struggle with this topic too. I humbly share the following metaphor and follow up information. See if you can relate also.

First, the metaphor: I don’t like garbage to pile up in my vehicle. It does not bother me if other people fill their cars with garbage, but every time I pull into my driveway or a parking lot with a trash can, I try to toss the garbage. I do not sweep or wipe out my vehicle nearly enough, but the garbage must go daily.

Last week I was eager to clear my trash when I noticed that every garbage can in the parking lot was overflowing. If I had tried to add my trash, then I only would have added to the overflow situation. The garbage cans were full. My trash would have to wait.

This life moment reminded me of how sometimes people go through a heavy mess of stuff in their life. Sometimes a person is so overflowing that their pain is obvious. That person may choose to share their troubles with you.

Here’s the pet peeve part: when someone begins to share what is ailing them I think we need to be careful not to add to their garbage. Jumping in to tell someone a story about our own lives, interrupting the other person, trumping them with a nearly similar story…all of that is usually not a good idea–at least not a good idea in that initial sharing time. How much better is it when we simply seek to be present for the other person? How rare is it for anyone to feel heard all the way? –For someone to speak and to be allowed to finish their thought?

I’m not saying that we never share when we have something in common with the other person’s issue. I’m just saying that if someone’s garbage is full, then don’t add to it. Maybe you send them an encouraging word later. Maybe you tell them at a later time that you may be able to relate to their story. Or maybe you simply give the other person the gift of listening and leave it at that.

Occasionally I struggle with this area too. After an exchange passes I may think, “Why did I feel the need to share that in response? What was my motive?”

If our motives are to be there for others and not add to their garbage, then usually the answer is to be present, to be quiet and truly listen.

Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things you have….

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God….

May we be a good listener for others.
May we be blessed with good listeners when we need them.
May we know the difference and the right timing for both.

Glenna

FORGIVENESS – YOU CAN’T EARN IT, BUT YOU CAN GIVE IT

Published on by Glenna S. EdwardsLeave a comment

One time a therapist asked me, “So when are you going to forgive them?”

I replied, “I do. Every morning of every day.” I paused. Then said, “And someday I won’t have to think about forgiving them anymore.”

The therapist gave me a look that I interpreted as, Ok then. Carry on.

Seems like an extreme moment in some respects and it was for me. Fortunately I’ve reached a time now when I hardly ever think about the situation which brought me to that moment. I suppose I’ve arrived at the “forget” part of “forgive and forget.” I’ll take it.

Forgive and forget rarely happens at the same time for most people. I see folks deal with hurt and struggles regarding forgiveness over and over each year.

Humans. Seems like we like to carry baggage around sometimes. I am learning to travel lighter and lighter and to forgive quickly–try to!

The song Who You Are by Unspoken is one of my favorite songs about forgiveness.

Have you ever known someone who wants to stay mad, wants to hold onto their hurt, wants to punish someone into apologizing and then still won’t forgive them? That is a sad and difficult place because even if someone did say or wants to say sorry the other person refuses their attempt.

I know sometimes people need time. So give them their time. All you can do is apologize and hope/pray for the best.

Forgive yourself too. Give forgiveness and release yourself from the pain. Forgiveness is a process.

Aren’t we lucky that Jesus doesn’t hold grudges?

Imagine if Jesus said, “What? I die in sacrifice for you and you still mess up? I’m not talking to you. I’m going to bully you, punish you, tell everyone I know about how you wronged me. I’m not even going to look at you.” Imagine.

But that’s not how Jesus is. He forgives 70 x 7 (Matthew 18:21-22). He says love your enemies (Matthew 5:44). He says we are to love one another (John 13:34).

The Bible is filled with good advice about forgiveness…and all that wisdom is easy to forget about when we are mad. Put away the anger. Draw life from His Word.

Here’s a link to: Who You Are. I adore the lyrics.

Enjoy.

Peace,

Glenna

HOPE FRIENDS

Published on by Glenna S. EdwardsLeave a comment

I like people, all kinds of people.  I enjoy learning about a variety of backgrounds and experiences.

You might think this would mean that once I have a friend, then we would be friends forever, but that is not reality.

Reality is that some friendships come and go in life…for all kinds of reasons.

One time in college a guy broke up with me because he said I was “too nice”.  He “needs someone more like his mother.”  Interesting.

In my twenties, there was a woman in the office who I nearly worshiped.  I thought she was great and considered naming my unborn child after her (good thing I had a boy).  One day she was done with me and gave me a poem about how friendships are for a season or reason and rarely forever.  Alrighty then.

In my thirties, one week after my mother’s funeral, a girlfriend I loved and trusted gave me an “8 things that have to change about you” list.  Oh boy.  My favorite line item was “you’ll be friends with anybody and that’s not ok with me.”  Absorbed.  Noted.

And now the debacle of 2012, welcome to year one of being in my forties.  Someone I care deeply about misjudged the intentions of a situation.  Kindness was intended, but she did not see it that way.  She got mad.  I offered to listen to her perspective–maybe I’d learn something–but she refused.  This hurts and I suppose she hurts too.  Some relationships can grow stronger after overcoming conflict, but that’s usually not possible if friends refuse to process.

The Bible is clear about what to do when conflict arises:  you go to that person and try to work it out (Matthew 18:15).  And there’s more verses of instruction to follow, but sometimes things have to be given time.  And like the poem (ouch) says, some friendships are not forever. 

You know that movie and book He’s Just Not That Into You?  Well, I think that phrase can apply to realizations we all have about relationships from time to time.

The above examples are from my life, but I imagine you can think of examples from your life.  Yes?  No?  Oh goodness, please don’t tell me I’m alone in these experiences!

Often I witness other rocky relationships and think of a sermon we heard once about Hope Friends and how to identify a Hope Friend. 

Pastor Mecum reviewed Romans 5:1-5.  In those verses you’ll find encouragement regarding the patience and experience you gain when going through tough times.  His sermon focus was that “hope does not disappoint” and you can assess every relationship based on two Hope Friend principles:

1.  Person of Faith – Is your friend a person of faith?  Do they have a faith approach to life?  Do they live beyond what they can see?  Do they hope for the best?

2.  Person of Praise – Is your friend someone who will find ways to praise (be positive) even when times are challenging?  Do they encourage you or bring you down?

If you think of all your friends, how many have both qualities?  It’s eye-opening to think about, isn’t it?  

Then take one more step and assess yourself.  Am I a person who offers faith and praise or do I struggle in one or both areas?  Which area do I need to work on the most?

Perhaps we all struggle in these areas from time to time, but being a Hope Friend despite my flaws is what I aim to be.  And I am grateful for the Hope Friends (and Family) in my life!  Yes, I still have friends believe it or not!

May we all strive to be the best Hope Friends we can.

Blessings to you and yours,

Glenna