Discipline, Fear & a side of #MeToo

I resent that she was right.

She made a tsk, tsk sound and shook her head, “If you leave this job, you will never make that kind of money again.”

That was December 2007. I have yet to prove my mother wrong.

My career field path has been mental health, then leave for money in the corporate world, miss my first loves of mental health and writing, and then go back to mental health. Hubby was supposed to grow his career so I could work in my passion areas, but that didn’t evolve as we hoped, and his body failed. Our plan fell apart. Now we regroup.

I enjoy my current job working with families and children. It is hard work but manageable. When I saw a job posting last week back in corporate, I asked Hubby if he thought I should dive back in for the cash. He texted, “We can ponder and talk about it, but I’d hate for you to sell your soul again.”

He knows me. My skills could adapt. It is my heart that would struggle. I am curious, though, what that paycheck would be like in the #MeToo era.

I used to tell my mom some of the male shenanigans and how few women were at my old job. She would say things like, “Just take the money. You can ignore them.”

This came from a mom who once jumped out of her car in traffic to yell at a man for being a man (and for cutting her off). I begged her to get back in the car. I saw rage in her eyes that was way more about the way men treated her over the years than a driving violation. She felt trapped by men who had no more education, sometimes less, than she did.

My biggest challenges in the business job were not about overlooking some of the men’s words and behavior. What I struggled with most was knowing how capable I was of playing by their rules. That’s taken time for me to reflect and realize. The truth was I could assimilate. I scared myself. I ignored too much.

At my core, I am no Daisy from The Great Gatsby. I am not made to be Reba McEntire’s “Fancy”.

Back then, I read the books Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman and Hardball For Women (now in its third edition) thankful that the authors could give me insight.

The long days were exhausting to navigate, but in my mind I played the Kenny Rogers song “The Gambler” to cope:

You gotta know when to hold ’em.

Know when to fold ’em.

Know when to walk away.

Know when to run…

Practical issues were tough. I had a hard time figuring out how to pay for things necessary to pull off a high level job. Childcare, for example, was expensive. Keeping a clean home with two little ones was impossible; the life size Rubik’s Cube fierce. I learned after leaving that the guy hired to take my place was paid near double what I was paid for the same job.

That part of my journey shows up in my manuscript Martha’s Daughter. The book is fiction with a dose of experience. You read about main character Amy’s childhood secrets at home and school, how she overcomes the cultural lies around her as she matures in adulthood, and how she assesses true love. Will she learn to speak her truth beyond the days of Barbies and mud pies to her days in Corporate America?

I think there is still a lot to unpack about the #MeToo movement. My book takes the reader from the 1970’s/80’s to present day. Imagine a female Forrest Gump, or better, Jenny’s story if anyone bothered to ask her. My favorite part of the book are the Developmental Assets and caring adults that save my character. That is the crossroads where my love of mental health and writing meet.

Think about what women have been through in five decades. Think about the undertones, the unspoken, the rules. Think about how much isn’t obvious. Consider the frustration.

I cheered this year when the Today Show normalized motherhood and women at work. Multiple hosts needed time off for their children and everyone appeared to pitch in and be happy for one another. Savannah, Hoda, Jenna, Dylan, Sheinelle, thank you and the team around you for your fresh example.

I’ve spent too much of my life feeling fearful for various reasons. Right now is the worst.

The Thanksgiving break has been helpful for me to notice my thoughts. I paid attention to my constant worry that something in the house or car might break, that we’ve got to get out of this home before it is impossible for Hubby to crawl up the stairs, or blah, blah, blah, fill-in-the-blank fear after fear.

This weekend I had my first pet sitter side job. Being in someone else’s home energy rebooted me to believe that I can move on to a new energy, a new day, a new place. I do not want to dwell in the fear. It’s time to reset.

Beginning today I am all about discipline over fear. My goal is to get our house back to sell-ready. I want o-u-t! I want to be in a situation that is affordable. I want us to thrive above ALS. This situation will not consume us. I will fight for a win.

I am going to clean, straighten, pack, look for a new realtor, seek financial advice, and persevere.

I have learned so much about discipline with sweat over every penny this year. It’s time to take that discipline further into a new situation. We will pray, turn over the worry daily, and triumph.

Bring on the V8 Energy drink. It’s time to climb further up the mountain.

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…for God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

One Light Town

After a 12 hour hot date with Nyquil, I opened my eyes at 10am. It’s been a rough week healthwise. I feel much better now.

I live on the edge by wearing a favorite pair of jeans that are so thread worn in the booty that I should have thrown them away months ago. Clean and dressed, I head to the annual Books By The Banks festival in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio. Hubby reminds me as I go out the door to look for two writers with connections to his hometown.

McKee, Kentucky’s population is approximately 1,000. The town rests in a deep valley between mountains in Jackson County. There is one traffic light. If the light doesn’t stop you, it takes 20 seconds to drive into and out of McKee.

I have traveled to McKee to see family for 27 years. I love the rich green vines that cover trees and the bright starry nights. I sense nature’s peace there and less electricity in the air. The oxygen is dense. I often leave feeling rested even if I slept on someone’s floor.

The first thing I do upon arrival to Books By The Banks is to attend an author panel. I learn a few tidbits about publishing. The talk affirms that my work is heading in the right direction.

Then I head to the sea of authors and books in a large conference hall. I find Gwenda Bond. Her new book is the prequel to Stranger Things. [How cool is that?! We LOVE the Netflix show Stranger Things at our house!]

Gwenda is the daughter of Hubby’s high school chemistry teacher. I shared our connection and asked Gwenda how her mom is doing. She gave me an update to take home to Hubby and signed a book for us. She has other books I hope to read also. Her website is www.GwendaBond.com.

Next I find Keven McQueen. His books involve spooky tales from various areas of the country. Keven was a year ahead of Hubby in high school. He signed our book “Jackson County High School Forever!” Me, Mrs. Messenger, caught up a little with him. Keven and Hubby are friends on Facebook so they could connect later too. His website is www.KevenMcQueenStories.com.

How about that? Two best selling authors from Eastern Kentucky. Big wishes for much success to them and all the authors at Books By The Banks yesterday!

Before leaving I scanned my Instagram stories and realized one of the books I put on my read soon list is there too. The book is Midnight at the Blackbird Cafe. The author, Heather Webber, is represented by my current dream Literary Agent. I walk back to meet Heather. She confirms her agent is as great as I estimate from research.

I posted this on my Insta story:

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Too much? I dunno.

It was a good time!

Author Heather Webber’s website is www.HeatherWebber.com.

The world is big and small at the same time.

Love,

Glenna

* The authors included in this post said ok to picture posting and to me blogging about the experience. Other cool things happened too, but I didn't ask permission to share those moments. Join me next year at #BBTBCincy!

I love you, Ariel Gore

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She showed up for me.

We never met in person, but her words knew me.  I feel my face smile chapter after chapter of Ariel Gore’s book How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead.  My eyes enlarge and my head nods each page turn.

Is this what it’s like when a writer encourages the deep inner being of another writer?

Yes.

Ariel,  thank you.

Around page 79 an unexpected tear escapes and a memory flashes through my brain.  I remember the day no one showed up.  Not a soul.  Every other college student had parents, grandparents, maybe aunts and uncles too.  Dang.

The ceremony is held in a red brick colonial style building with tall windows trimmed in white.  The large room has plenty of chairs, food that I am too scared to touch, and lemonade that I dare to enjoy.  I am thirsty.  My writing professors say hello and are pulled away because other people’s people want to meet them.  I find a seat in an empty row on a green cushioned chair with a straight backrest made of metal painted white.

While today that scene cuts me a bit, I assure you that on the actual day I am joyful and feel justice is about to be announced.  I am 22 years old and delighted.

“This year’s Best Graduating Senior Writer goes to…Glenna S. Edwards for her submission Bertha.”

I make my way to receive the certificate and $500 check.  Only on rewind do I remember the surprised audience members whose faces turn to question that the alone girl is a winner.  The money is a bonus compared to the certificate that I want most.  I need someone to say I am a good writer.  And they do out loud and on paper.  Boom!

This was the vengeance I longed for because four years earlier at a smaller scale spring time writers event, no one said anything.

That was high school.  Back when I participate in many extracurriculars, but the only award I ever hope for is the Golden Pen award.  A plaque hangs in the English department where the new winner’s name will be engraved.

Sitting in the cafeteria listening for the announcement, my 18-year-old mind practices being a good loser.  The only other candidate who might win deserves the prize too.  I will remain kind and congratulate her then run home to lament.

I also practice remaining calm and gracious if I do win.  I will not jump up and down though my legs may try to betray me.

The other possible winner may throw a fit.  She has a reputation.  She has publicly wailed sometimes when things did not go her way.  I try to remember her personal story about how her mom didn’t know she was pregnant until she went to the hospital for extreme food poisoning but came home with a baby.  For reasons I do not fully understand while in my youth, her tale helps me be patient with Miss Could-Make-A-Scene.

The teacher says into the microphone, “Thank you for coming tonight.  This concludes our evening.”

What?!  They must have forgotten.  I see the other candidate ask about the Golden Pen.  The teacher pretends not to hear.  We all go home never to know exactly why the 1990 Golden Pen is not awarded.

My adult self has multiple guesses why 1990 was skipped.  And I remain thankful 1994 happened.

To my writer friends, read Ariel Gore’s book How To Become A Famous Writer Before You’re Dead.  It is encouragement served all you can eat buffet style.

To be fair to those who knew me in 1994, I didn’t know to ask for representation.  I realize now why the obvious choices didn’t jump at the chance.  Me becoming a writer terrified blue-collar adults around me.

To Ariel, I promise never to use the word p_ _ _ _ _ _ _ mentioned on page 82.  I get it.

Much love & peace to all readers & dreamers.  oxox

Signature GSE

Brave

If you are walking along the public library shelves and an adorable 3.5 x 5 inch little book catches your eye, then by all means pause to take said book home.

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Brave Enough is my introduction to Cheryl Strayed.  I may be the last to learn about her.  I mean, I also was the last to learn this week that emojis can be multicultural if you hold the emoji buttons down long enough, a fact of not knowing which horrified me.  How did I miss that?!  Then I compounded the horror by sharing my surprise with dear friends who all already knew.  I don’t intend to be late, but sometimes I am.

For most of my adult years I ponder through the roller coaster of life that wherever you are, that’s simply where you are…no more, no less.  How silly that may sound, but it is my way of being present this minute, to “be” and to breathe through whatever happens to be occurring at the moment.

In fact, when considering baby names, I was thrilled that one of our children could have initials that spell BE.  Yeah, made that happen.

So new I-wannabe BFF Cheryl’s book Brave Enough was a 1.5 hour tiny vacation in a recliner read.  It is a pep talk, a reality check in, a fun reflection on the “be” of life, a matter of fact tru dat book.  She wrote what my heart and mind when mindful has felt over the years.

And apparently she has done the hiking for answers thing.  She wandered on a trail.  I can relate!

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I adore Cheryl’s mountaintop quote.  I felt this ring accurate throughout my body:

Mountaintop

On a day that the plumber turned a corner saying, “Is that a cat or a Pillow Pet?!”, I read the pages about loving your body to our Sookie Cat.  Cheryl covers a lot of topics in one hard bound book.

I am currently reading or commute time listening to six books and two writer friend manuscripts.  Quick read Brave Enough gave me a one sitting finish and a smile.

Thanks, Cheryl.  I appreciate your work.  I look forward to reading your other books and to see a movie based on one of them.

Peace out beautiful readers.  I hope you are enjoying Spring.  May you experience mini vacations as needed too.

Love,

Signature GSE

🙌🏾   🙌🏼   🙌🏻   🙌🏿

I’ll Tell You First

I ponder who to call.

The friend who will cheer for the dream despite disappointment?  The problem solving friend?  The friend who will wallow in the sadness with me for a few minutes?  The friend who will say what I want to hear?

Stars are visible in the night sky.  I drive silent.  The Holy Spirit touches my heart and I sense a, “How about you tell Me first?”

This leads me to ask myself, How many times do I tell God last?  

Answer:  Often.

This time I choose differently.  I turn off the car and sit in the driveway to converse with our Creator before approaching the threshold into house chores, next day work prep, mom, wife, and caregiver roles.

Dear God,

The publisher that stayed in touch since June and seemed to seriously consider my manuscript finally sent the decision email.  I’m sad, Lord.  She’s passing.  I really thought she was the person to take next steps with me.  Please show me what to do going forward.  I surrender to Your will for this book.  Amen.”

One thing I’ve learned especially in the last two years is that every time I am perplexed the best choice is to surrender.  Immediately.

What to do will become clear soon.  For now I will be still and listen.

Exodus 14:14. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Love,

Signature GSE

 

3 Easy Ways to Help Writers

Writers need you.

Publishers are attracted to writers who have a platform.  A simplified definition of platform is a group of readers who follow an author’s work.  You, the reader, have a lot of power.  

Being an author might seem glamorous, but the writing process is more about consistent hard work than glam especially in a meme generating world.  New writers can be wide-eyed when they learn that writing well may not be enough.  Some give up on their soul’s calling.  Some have to write.  It is in their DNA.  Great writers carry on in their creative space, but they need a team to be successful.lavendar harvest

Are you a helpful person?  If so, here are tips to keep your favorite writers moving forward:

  1. Click the follow or subscribe button on the writer’s blog.  Help their number of blog followers increase.  Q: Ugh, will I get email notifications of blog posts?  A: Likely.  You can read your favorite authors diligently or create a rule in your email so that certain emails auto file into a designated folder.  You know you’ve been wanting to [learn how to] set up email rules anyway!
  2. Follow and like your writer’s social media pages:  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, etc.  Help their numbers grow.  Go wild and invite other friends to like them too.  Listen Linda*, every follow helps.  Also, every like, retweet, comment or share kicks off algorithms that help other people in your area of the country or with your similar interests get to know your author also.  You are their champion.
  3. Read your author’s stuff.  You are sunshine for a writer’s growth as an artist.  Supporting writers is like being a cheerleader with pom poms made of “like” buttons.  Stretch goal:  contact your author and offer to be on their book launch team when the time arrives!  Book launch team members help get reviews out early about new books.  Best sellers seem like overnight miracles, but it is readers like you and book launch team members who make those miracles happen.

Peace,

Signature GSE

@GlennaSEdwards on Twitter

GlennaSEdwardsAuthor on Facebook

*footnote:  “Listen Linda” is my all time favorite YouTube video.  😉

 

 

Capacity

I love to learn, especially about human behavior and social change.  The toughest human subject for me to observe, though, is me.  Learning about reasons for my own behavior, habits, and struggles is the hardest set of knots to untie.

There are things we understand logically in our mind long before we accept the same logic in our heart.  Lately the word capacity rolls around in my head like an old-fashioned marble.

I am the gal who didn’t finish Lysa Terkeurst’s book The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions In The Midst Of Endless Demands, which is really about how to say no.  I probably didn’t finish because I said yes to something and put the book aside.  I also didn’t finish the book Boundaries: When To Say Yes How To Say No And Take Control Of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.  I am a book finisher.  So, the fact that I didn’t finish reading either book may point to pattern.  Uh, yes.

The pattern goes all the way back to a 6th grade Happy Gram where the teacher wrote about me “she always does more than necessary to create excellent work.”  While that felt good at the time, now I’m not sure that was the happiest of words.

I am at a crossroads where I wish I had more to give when I have given more than I had.

So, I began saying no to projects last week.  I said no to projects I normally would be honored to complete.  Right now I need to spend time with our Higher Power, spend time with some family and friends, write and create the next chapter of life.  Every decision going forward is considered along with the question: Do I have the capacity?  I suspect wisdom and capacity are closely linked.  We shall see.

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An unattractive picture from the end of the Surrender Trail 2016 that captures how I felt then and maybe how I feel right now too!

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Do you have wisdom in this area?  How do you measure and make choices about capacity?

3 Crazy Clutter Clearing Tips

It seems there is no end to the mess in my basement.  Once again I am determined this is the weekend that the clutter is finally gone.  To follow are tips that get me moving each Saturday morning.

1.  Have an out-of-body experience.

If I am struggling to begin, then I attempt to channel one of my friends who is good at eliminating piles and creating organization.  I pretend to love sorting like Maria.  She tackles household stacks with zeal.  One time she helped me clear an attic with broken toys from the 1970’s and dust dating back to the 1800’s.  She was 7 months pregnant and enjoyed it.  I was like, “Uh.  May I offer you a mask?”  My friend Deb uses “the power of 3 (or 7, 10, whatever number she chooses)”.  This means she picks a number and once she says go, then she has to move, trash or complete that number of simple tasks before sitting back down.  This catalyst activity leads to a productive day for her.  I reflect on memories of how friend Amy had tidy shoe boxes of stuff when we were kids and how her now adult hands still seem to frequently toss garbage from any surface, especially her car.  I draw from all of their energy and good habits to drag my booty away from the couch.

2.  Save steps for your happy dance.

The trap of multi story homes is the tiring stairs.  I don’t climb a set of stairs until I have collected multiple bags of donation items and full garbage bags.  Each bag moved to the base of the stairs feels like a win.  This also gives me a chance to ask the teenager of the house to help carry things when he stops to say hello.  When I see multiple bags ready to ascend, then I do a happy dance and call it a square footage of clear space win.

3.  Have conversations with yourself.

Without slowing down ask why did you save that?  Why did you think that would be useful?  And most importantly, why do you want to eliminate the clutter?  Give yourself pep talks to say “keep going, keep moving”.  I have read a lot of how to get organized books over the years.  All of those books are now located at the Goodwill in Florence, KY.  My favorite book on this topic is What Your Clutter Is Trying to Tell You: Uncover the Message in the Mess and Reclaim Your Life by Kerri L. Richardson.  If you struggle in the battle of clutter and can read only one book, then read that one.  This book helps you discover the emotional core of your clutter struggles.  The author opened my eyes in new ways.

Alrighty.  The sun is coming up soon.  Time for me to get moving!

Love,

Glenna

Surrender ~ Noun & Verb

13350430_10154248049089508_2287349314446751966_oI had about 18 days to prepare for an Appalachian Trail section hike in 2016.  Everything on the outside of my body appeared like this was a bad idea.  I had not exercised much in the winter or spring that year.  Meanwhile, everything on the inside of my body screamed that this was not only a good idea but also the only idea.  I had to go.

Before departing the word “surrender” rolled around in my head and got my attention in multiple songs.  Surrender became my trail name and my goal.  I thought about the word a lot as our four-women team hiked.  The below picture is part of the trail.  It was rocky and tough terrain.  This path represents how my life felt at the time.  Our family was amid big changes and stress.  I grumbled to myself that the sharp and wobbly rocks were fitting as a metaphor for that year.
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I wrestled and searched my heart for ways to surrender to God’s will in my life.  I read that the word surrender can be a noun meaning the action of yielding or a verb meaning to cease resistance.  I knew I absolutely needed to submit both as a thing and a process.  My mind rolled around and through the definition as I prayed to God for answers.

And this is a picture of a portion of the hike where I felt solidly surrendered.  Whatever You want, God.  Whatever You want.  Show me.  Please.  Mostly what I heard back from our Higher Power was simply to take the next step, then the next, and repeat.  In the walking, I felt peace.  Hot, sweaty peace.  I would keep walking even if it meant I had to crawl eventually.

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Since returning from the trip I’ve continued to take next steps.  One of the steps was to write down the adventure of that week.  The trip provided so much humor and gut-wrenching self-reflection that I suspect others may glean something for their own journey while reading about it.

I’m still learning about the word surrender.  In 2018 the word has led me to a specific prayer.

Dear God,

Lead me.  I trust You to lead the way. 

And, I promise to do the work You ask of me. 

Amen

The manuscript and book proposal about the trip is written and I’m seeking representation to take even more steps.  We’ll see what happens.  In the waiting, I appreciate the following verses:

1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”…

And then the rest of that passage I struggle with:

2 Corinthians 12:9b-11 (NIV)

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Boast, really?  Ugh.

The NLV says “take pleasure in my weakness”.

The KJV says “glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

My personality teeter totters on the extrovert and introvert line.  This week a participant at a workshop I facilitated commented at the end, “Wow.  I have thought for two years you are super quiet, but you’re really not.”  I would say I try not to waste words.  [sidebar:  That was a great event by the way.  I will post the workshop guide in a different work blog soon.]

I have a hard time blogging sometimes because it feels “showy”.  I have matured enough now to know that I need to do what God has placed on my heart through skill, talent and calling.  I may not sign up to boast per se, but I can laugh at myself and give glory to God, allowing His power to work through my story in whatever way He leads.

I anticipate that you will hear more from me about the word surrender and the trip as the days ahead unfold.

God bless you,

Glenna

 

 

3 Ways to Increase Summer Reading

Once upon a time I remember glorious pre-teen summers days filled with plenty of time to read books.  I either read for hours while sitting in a bean bag chair or received permission to hang out with my BFF at the community pool.  At the pool with matted wet hair we played the UNO card game or read our latest library books side by side.  I savored the smell of book pages mixed with the scent of sunscreen and damp towels.

Then along came “adulting”.  Time to read felt scarce as responsibilities expanded.  Half read books piled up in my house through the years.  Then, thanks to a dear friend’s suggestions, I found new favorite ways to increase my reading time:

1.  Log in to your local library online.  Download the app they suggest so you can check out books via your smartphone.  For example, my app is Hoopla.  Connect your library card to the app and wah lah!  My library allows 12 book downloads per month.  I listen to books during my daily commute.  In the last 2 years I’ve easily completed 3-4 books per month.  I look forward to drive time.  I enjoy the time to learn or adventure through new stories.  Some books aren’t recorded but can still be downloaded for electronic page turn reading.

2.  When I want to specifically support an author or can’t find a book through the library, I turn to Audible.  Audible charges a monthly fee which translates to credits when you want to buy a book.  Audible remembers what you’ve bought and keeps an online library ready for you.  I find that credits build up faster than I expect and I always have enough when it’s time to buy a book.

3.  Yes, I still do like the feel of a physical book in my hands.  When I keep a reading light and current books on my night stand, I am more likely to read before going to sleep.  I feel cozy and relaxed with a comforter and a book.

Bonus:  4.  My BFF from the pool long ago has a double win reading strategy.  She helps the environment by riding the bus to work.  Also, bus rides are reading time for her!  She plows through books.  I admire her reading dedication.

I am much happier now that continuous learning and personal growth through reading books is a steady part of my life.

How do you make time for reading?  I’d love to hear about your ideas.

Glenna

P.S. Photo was taken downtown Cleveland, Ohio 07/07/18.

P.P.S. One of my favorite blogs is called Make America Read Again.  It’s worth checking out for more great info about reading and book reviews.